“I had an entire internal prosecution team running 24/7.” That line is extremely relatable.
I agree with everything you wrote here. I would add that for me, hearing “you’re so smart” ー sometimes paired with “I’m so jealous” and compliments about my appearance ー created a deep internal dissonance between what I was supposedly meant to be and how out of place I actually felt in daily life.
Struggling with basic tasks while being externally elevated creates a strange paradox. The praise raises your status in other people’s eyes, but internally it amplifies shame. Instead of feeling seen, you feel like a fraud.
It becomes even worse when it’s framed as “You can do literally anything you want, can’t you? If only I had your brain.”
At that point I want to say: no, you really don’t want this brain. Unless you want to dig into obscure writers at 3 am and question frameworks you have never noticed running in the background of your life while wondering how you can finance your academic study and whether you will be able to finish it, with no external reward whatsoever. And if you’re jealous of my brain, please also be jealous of all the baggage that comes with it.
The emotional result is something like a strong urge to disappear, because being accepted for who you actually are can feel miles away from the simplified narrative behind “you’re so smart.”
There’s always that thought underneath: if only they knew.
I feel so identified with your post. Thank you. I was reading it and I was thinking. "I would love to work in this guy's company, if we had the same values, and he had a need for a philosopher who takes care of AIs as children to develop their personaliry and the world was different". 🤭
Your writing is so vivid, I can almost see your story like a movie instead of reading it on a browser page.
I'm kind of gobsmacked (in the best way) every time I read descriptions from someone who thinks at the speed and with the complexity I do about their inner workings and interactions with the "rest of the world", because for so many years I thought I was alone.
I relate so much to your negative perception of being called smart. I learn languages at - let's call it - an above-average rate, so whenever someone tells me "Oh, you speak X so well. I wish I had your gift for languages". I never feel complimented. I didn't do anything for that gift. I was born that way. And I'm sure that person doesn't wish they had the downside that this so-called gift comes with. A nervous system that can't handle even a fraction of what the world throws at it, and social inhibitions creating a mile-high barrier to actually _speak_ said language to a stranger or even an acquaintance.
My grades also tanked during my last year in highschool, but I didn't do it on purpose. I couldn't handle the environment and social complexities any more and was burning out hard. It took me 15 years and the acknowledgement that nobody gives a crap about my highschool grades any more to forgive myself for not living up to my potential there.
Thanks! My story has felt like a movie at times. I very much relate to your feeling of aloneness, and have also wondered who else navigates a similar terrain.
I'm happy you reached out and connected. The upside comes with a downside that is difficult to explain to others. The irony of not being able to express that language in its fullest during social interactions is strong!
How'd you personally identify it, and then what are you doing to navigate the terrain moving forward? Do you have a good introductory post I (or other readers) can read to get started on understanding Sabrina?
I read this on my phone yesterday morning, had typed out a whole essay of a comment again, when my phone just randomly decided to refresh the page and - poof! - comment gone. I was literally about to press post.
oh well.
so here's a short version:
I see you. at least I think so, even if there are also ways in which our minds diverge, but I celebrate yours in all its glory anyway!
the bit about craving complexity like the body craves air, and when you don't get it you go and create it cause you just can't help it? yeah, that hit hard.
but mostly I wanted to thank you for so eloquently describing what it's like to be twice exceptional. I'd like to think that I listen and believe when someone says, they can't help something, but it's also been confusing af for me when I can recognise so much in how someone else's mind works but then there are a few things that are completely different - from me, AND also the neurotypicals - and that can be a rather baffling experience in its own way.
thank you for doing the work to figure out the why - it helps me relate, at long last. (I seem to have a particular propensity in surrounding myself with twice exceptional people, even though I'm 99% sure I don't have ADHD or autism myself. a few autistic traits, sure, but they're the ones that are equally well, if not better explained by giftedness.)
I really do believe that every kind of mind has its own superpowers and that we should stop expecting everyone to function the same way. what you're doing is amazing so we can start building the infrastructure to let everyone's superpowers shine the way they deserve :)
That same crap with disappearing comments happened to me too. I'd scroll to review your comment to recall what you wrote, and the mobile app would clear my draft. I'm so sorry! It does seem like it's fixed now, at least on the Android app I'm using. 🤞
Thanks for seeing (and celebrating) me. Yeah, I can create complexity out of thin air. Sometimes I can't help it. Sometimes it gives me something to existentially chew on. I haven't quite figured out if it's a superhero strength or a trauma response. Most likely both.
You're right about sometimes finding another who exists similarly, and then even hoping they are kin who understands, but then discovering that they're even more unique and different from the neurotypical architecture I can't relate to at all. That discovery, hope, and then disappointment of connection is rough the first few times.
I couldn't relate to autism or ADHD at all for a while, and only did so through the lens (or even "flavor") of giftedness; and then 2-e brought much of it together for me. Especially as I read the experiences of others. This is why I share my inner experience. It's something I'd love to hear from others about, and makes me feel less crazy.
So, thanks for dropping by, not just with one comment, but with two (since the first one failed)! I'm following you and look forward to hearing more of what YOU have to share.
"internal prosecution team" - I call mine the internal panopticon (if you're not familiar with the panopticon, here ya go: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Panopticon). In my internal panopticon, though, I am in the center of the cylindrical or spherical prison and am being observed, judged, and condemned by countless others. Every single thing I do, think, or feel is up for scrutiny in this panopticon.
This is, of course, all kinds of internalized crap - sexism, classism, ableism, every bully I ever encountered, bad parenting, terrible authority figures, questionable media I consumed at too young an age, you name it. I think this panopticon is a key player in my experience of "masking." It drives the masking impulse. And it seems that my endeavors toward "unmasking" have done a lot to dismantle my internal panopticon.
“Seeing connections between domains that aren’t obvious because my brain literally cannot stop making them. Not being able to go anywhere without seeing everything that could be improved or fixed. Having broadband intellectual throughput paired with dial-up executive function infrastructure.”
This. Smart as a measurement, thanks for the language I didn’t know I needed.
“Smart” is also a label and category. Hence, “why can’t you do what others in the same category do?”
Everything you've said here is so spot on. To this day my parents believe I'm good at math because a teacher in Middle School told them I was so smart, if only I would apply myself in her classroom then I would have better grades.
Meanwhile, in real life, at the age of 33, I finally got an autism evaluation which included an IQ test where they determined I am 'exceptional in verbal processing and reading with significant deficits in mathematics'.
I always found it so odd that they were so ready and willing to believe that my behavioral issues (I also ran a business in high school and college where I would write people's research papers and give them exam answers for a small fee) were simply a product of me not caring and being 'lazy'. I also find it humorous that if you ask them today, they will still insist that I am good at math.
“I had an entire internal prosecution team running 24/7.” That line is extremely relatable.
I agree with everything you wrote here. I would add that for me, hearing “you’re so smart” ー sometimes paired with “I’m so jealous” and compliments about my appearance ー created a deep internal dissonance between what I was supposedly meant to be and how out of place I actually felt in daily life.
Struggling with basic tasks while being externally elevated creates a strange paradox. The praise raises your status in other people’s eyes, but internally it amplifies shame. Instead of feeling seen, you feel like a fraud.
It becomes even worse when it’s framed as “You can do literally anything you want, can’t you? If only I had your brain.”
At that point I want to say: no, you really don’t want this brain. Unless you want to dig into obscure writers at 3 am and question frameworks you have never noticed running in the background of your life while wondering how you can finance your academic study and whether you will be able to finish it, with no external reward whatsoever. And if you’re jealous of my brain, please also be jealous of all the baggage that comes with it.
The emotional result is something like a strong urge to disappear, because being accepted for who you actually are can feel miles away from the simplified narrative behind “you’re so smart.”
There’s always that thought underneath: if only they knew.
“Having broadband intellectual throughput paired with dial-up executive function infrastructure.”
This line really struck me. And that seeming incongruity is why I never really believed I was actually smart.
I feel you. We need another Internet provider. 😉
Just me...Deeply seen. Yes. And thank you for taking the time to let us see a part of you, which helps us see parts of ourselves.
I feel so identified with your post. Thank you. I was reading it and I was thinking. "I would love to work in this guy's company, if we had the same values, and he had a need for a philosopher who takes care of AIs as children to develop their personaliry and the world was different". 🤭
Sounds like a unique and specialized role for my advisory board. Let's chat if the pull is consistent. And to see if we have the same values.
Why not? DM me and who knows.
Your writing is so vivid, I can almost see your story like a movie instead of reading it on a browser page.
I'm kind of gobsmacked (in the best way) every time I read descriptions from someone who thinks at the speed and with the complexity I do about their inner workings and interactions with the "rest of the world", because for so many years I thought I was alone.
I relate so much to your negative perception of being called smart. I learn languages at - let's call it - an above-average rate, so whenever someone tells me "Oh, you speak X so well. I wish I had your gift for languages". I never feel complimented. I didn't do anything for that gift. I was born that way. And I'm sure that person doesn't wish they had the downside that this so-called gift comes with. A nervous system that can't handle even a fraction of what the world throws at it, and social inhibitions creating a mile-high barrier to actually _speak_ said language to a stranger or even an acquaintance.
My grades also tanked during my last year in highschool, but I didn't do it on purpose. I couldn't handle the environment and social complexities any more and was burning out hard. It took me 15 years and the acknowledgement that nobody gives a crap about my highschool grades any more to forgive myself for not living up to my potential there.
Thanks! My story has felt like a movie at times. I very much relate to your feeling of aloneness, and have also wondered who else navigates a similar terrain.
I'm happy you reached out and connected. The upside comes with a downside that is difficult to explain to others. The irony of not being able to express that language in its fullest during social interactions is strong!
How'd you personally identify it, and then what are you doing to navigate the terrain moving forward? Do you have a good introductory post I (or other readers) can read to get started on understanding Sabrina?
Guess I better search for a new name for my Substack 😂 🤷♂️
Ha! You must be using the same AI. 😉
I read this on my phone yesterday morning, had typed out a whole essay of a comment again, when my phone just randomly decided to refresh the page and - poof! - comment gone. I was literally about to press post.
oh well.
so here's a short version:
I see you. at least I think so, even if there are also ways in which our minds diverge, but I celebrate yours in all its glory anyway!
the bit about craving complexity like the body craves air, and when you don't get it you go and create it cause you just can't help it? yeah, that hit hard.
but mostly I wanted to thank you for so eloquently describing what it's like to be twice exceptional. I'd like to think that I listen and believe when someone says, they can't help something, but it's also been confusing af for me when I can recognise so much in how someone else's mind works but then there are a few things that are completely different - from me, AND also the neurotypicals - and that can be a rather baffling experience in its own way.
thank you for doing the work to figure out the why - it helps me relate, at long last. (I seem to have a particular propensity in surrounding myself with twice exceptional people, even though I'm 99% sure I don't have ADHD or autism myself. a few autistic traits, sure, but they're the ones that are equally well, if not better explained by giftedness.)
I really do believe that every kind of mind has its own superpowers and that we should stop expecting everyone to function the same way. what you're doing is amazing so we can start building the infrastructure to let everyone's superpowers shine the way they deserve :)
That same crap with disappearing comments happened to me too. I'd scroll to review your comment to recall what you wrote, and the mobile app would clear my draft. I'm so sorry! It does seem like it's fixed now, at least on the Android app I'm using. 🤞
Thanks for seeing (and celebrating) me. Yeah, I can create complexity out of thin air. Sometimes I can't help it. Sometimes it gives me something to existentially chew on. I haven't quite figured out if it's a superhero strength or a trauma response. Most likely both.
You're right about sometimes finding another who exists similarly, and then even hoping they are kin who understands, but then discovering that they're even more unique and different from the neurotypical architecture I can't relate to at all. That discovery, hope, and then disappointment of connection is rough the first few times.
I couldn't relate to autism or ADHD at all for a while, and only did so through the lens (or even "flavor") of giftedness; and then 2-e brought much of it together for me. Especially as I read the experiences of others. This is why I share my inner experience. It's something I'd love to hear from others about, and makes me feel less crazy.
So, thanks for dropping by, not just with one comment, but with two (since the first one failed)! I'm following you and look forward to hearing more of what YOU have to share.
"internal prosecution team" - I call mine the internal panopticon (if you're not familiar with the panopticon, here ya go: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Panopticon). In my internal panopticon, though, I am in the center of the cylindrical or spherical prison and am being observed, judged, and condemned by countless others. Every single thing I do, think, or feel is up for scrutiny in this panopticon.
This is, of course, all kinds of internalized crap - sexism, classism, ableism, every bully I ever encountered, bad parenting, terrible authority figures, questionable media I consumed at too young an age, you name it. I think this panopticon is a key player in my experience of "masking." It drives the masking impulse. And it seems that my endeavors toward "unmasking" have done a lot to dismantle my internal panopticon.
“Seeing connections between domains that aren’t obvious because my brain literally cannot stop making them. Not being able to go anywhere without seeing everything that could be improved or fixed. Having broadband intellectual throughput paired with dial-up executive function infrastructure.”
This. Smart as a measurement, thanks for the language I didn’t know I needed.
“Smart” is also a label and category. Hence, “why can’t you do what others in the same category do?”
Everything you've said here is so spot on. To this day my parents believe I'm good at math because a teacher in Middle School told them I was so smart, if only I would apply myself in her classroom then I would have better grades.
Meanwhile, in real life, at the age of 33, I finally got an autism evaluation which included an IQ test where they determined I am 'exceptional in verbal processing and reading with significant deficits in mathematics'.
I always found it so odd that they were so ready and willing to believe that my behavioral issues (I also ran a business in high school and college where I would write people's research papers and give them exam answers for a small fee) were simply a product of me not caring and being 'lazy'. I also find it humorous that if you ask them today, they will still insist that I am good at math.
I'm almost positive I have discalula.